I never though that I'd see a day when I wasn't mourning. I thought that he was the one. I thought he was perfect. I loved him, changed my life for him. I didn't think anything besides that. Hell, I moved halfway across the state to prove that.

He was so absorbed in his self-pity, his horrible luck, and his lack of wife/girlfriend/children to even notice what was right in front of him.

I've been given the strength to move on. I've been given the insight to realize that until he accepts that his life is how it is, he is going to be miserable. He's acting like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum. I hadn't even really looked at someone else for a year. If I did, it was half-hearted and there was very little interest on my end.

I don't know when or how it happened, but the chains fell away. I kept telling myself that it had already happened, but I kept myself chained.

When the Unforgiven II came onto the radio, it no longer hurt. It no longer made me think of him. It was a song, just a beautiful song.

I realize now that the song Breakdown by Seether isn't full he and I, but the one part is.

"So break me down if it makes you feel right.
And hate me now if it keeps you alright."

Once he knows I'm no longer wishing/hoping for him, once I find someone who wants to be with me, it'll make him bitter. It'll cause him, in his head, to think I've done wrong to/by him. And I want him to, if it keeps him alright. I want him to hate me if that's what it takes. I want him to tell people about how everyone gives up on him, so none of the blame falls onto him.

I'll cheerfully wish him the best during our final conversation. I'll wish him all the happiness in the world. I'll know in my heart that I loved him to the best of my ability, that I tried. I spent too many tears, too much time, and it's decidedly done.

I'm free.

It was cancer, the vet said. It had been for the past 3 years. There was nothing they could do. It was resistant to chemo.

That was on Saturday morning. 10/18/2008. Our options were let him live with it (in intolerable pain) or have him put to sleep.

Within half an hour of the vet calling us, we made the desicion. We called the vet back, and scheduled an appointment for Monday (10 /20/2008) at 2:30 p.m. We had the remainder of the weekend with him.

Monday morning rolls around, and we got ready. It was a 2 hour trip to the vet. My mom has always said, "If you find a good doctor/vet, you keep hold of them as long as possible." We load Boo up into the Cat Taxi, and start the long trek home.

He didn't even do his normal mournful "I'm car sick" meowing. We even let him out of the carrier to watch the traffic and so we could pet him a bit.

When we got to the vet, they took him into the back to give him a sedative as we waited in the exam room. They brought him out to us, wrapped in a towel, suggesting to keep it around him. I held him as the sedative took effect, till when he could barely purr anymore.

She shaved a little section of his paw, and administered the final medicine. The last medicine he'd ever take. He was still purring, up until he took his last breath. I held onto his lifeless body for a few minutes, unable to let go. Wishing that he'd wake up and he'd be well again. Wishing that he never had mouth cancer. I was already missing my best friend.